I’m protesting, too. I’m protesting oppression, blind devotion and something I find evil and wrong. Something the masses follow blindly and when you try to speak out against it, you are vilified for your outspoken views. But right here and now, I’m letting the world know I’m not going to stand by while this depravity goes unpunished. That’s right, I’m refusing to subject myself anymore to the tyranny that is college football.
As the Rocky Mountain Showdown rolls back into town, I feel like Lisa Simpson looking upon Springfield’s “Wacking Day” with the same level of awed disgust. It’s Trump’s baffling popularity with morons or the un-ironic and inexplicable way people enjoy wrestling. I’m sure there are better marquee matchups between actual good college football schools going on this weekend, but this one is certainly a prime example of my argument. And as amateur football season gets under way, it all just bolsters my steadfast opinion that college football really sucks.
Now before you give me the Colin Kaepernick treatment, you must know that I’ve tried to watch college football and I’ve found that 1) I don’t care about any of the teams and have no rooting interest in any of them and 2) it’s just a low-grade version of the sport that I’m not wasting my time on.
College football is an amateur sport. There’s nothing wrong with this, in fact, this is where our future stars of “real” football hone their craft before they make the leap to the big time. So wake me up when these players hit the big time that is the NFL because that’s where the best athletes go to compete on the biggest stage.
We just got done watching the Olympics where the greatest athletes in the world gathered in Brazil to see who was the best. But did anyone tune into any of that regional action that got them there? No, they didn’t. Because that’s boring. That’s not where we see the best of the best compete. That’s where we’d see athletes bound for Rio pummel lesser talents on their way to competing for a gold medal.
Pummeling lesser talents is what college football is all about. A college football game is either a nail-biter because a bunch of teenagers can’t stop each other from scoring or it’s an ungodly ass kicking. There’s no in between. I’ve had Madden games that feel college football could tone it down a bit.
And then there’s, of course, the way college football decides a champion. If there ever was a participation trophy in sports, it would be the way college football decides on a champion. And even after it’s awarded, you still don’t know who really was the best.
If college football was smart, and it’s not, it would adopt a relegation system like they have in English soccer. Have 20 teams play each other in the top level and find out who is the best with an actual playoff. At the end of the season, three teams get relegated to the lower division and three come up. Problem solved you idiots.
College football is MLS to the English Premiere League. It’s the WNBA to the NBA. It’s the Monkees to the Beatles.
I get that there are traditions and long standing community affiliations with college sports and if you have a long standing tradition in your family of following a certain college program, please, don’t let me stop you. But like what sexual positions your parents enjoy, I don’t want to have to see it on TV or have anyone mention it on social media. College football is strictly a second-tier sport and we shouldn’t be heaping as much praise on it as we do. My parents are strictly doggy-style people, by the way.
What you have to understand about the popularity of college sports is that someone went to a particular school and had a great experience cheering on the team because that’s what you do when you go there. Then, they carry that over into adulthood because they can’t rekindle those good feelings and have to live vicariously through a football team. It’s indoctrination like when a child sees the cartoon Caillou for the first time and is bamboozled by his high voice and pleasant demeanor. All the while sucking really, really badly. College football is the Caillou of the sports world: popular with simpletons, not good by any measure, and hated by grownups who know better.
College football apologists will claim they like it better than the NFL because the players are in it for the glory. We all know that’s a crock of shit because they are in fact doing it for the free education and the pay day down the road if they go pro. We like to ascribe these values on these particular players and deride the professionals because they “are only doing it for the money,” when the college players are just doing it for the money that hasn’t come yet. And that’s if they aren’t getting paid by the school or some shady booster anyway. Every year we hear a story about how athletes were paid to play when it was supposed to be an altruistic pursuit of education and gridiron glory. Cam Newton thinks this is hilarious.
And then you’ll hear about how a poor student athlete couldn’t afford to go home for his grandmother’s funeral because he didn’t have any money and no one could give him any. Rules are rules. Meanwhile, the schools take in more money on television deals and merchandise than most third world countries or Kardashians. For the love of the game indeed.
These arguments are nothing you haven’t heard before and if you’re obsessed with watching a bunch of teenage boys not bumble their way to a loss, I won’t be changing your mind. But just know college football is the Go Bots to the NFL’s Transformers. Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. So enjoy your amateur sports this weekend. I will be waiting it out and welcoming real football this Thursday.