The Divine Comedy of the Colorado Rockies



Just-my-take (1)

Fish in a barrel. A layup. Easy as pie.

All ways to describe how simple it is to make fun of the Rockies.

The Rockies are in fact a joke so it’s easy for every amateur Dane Cook to think he or she is being hilarious when they try out their latest Rockies material about how bad the team is. Lord knows I’ve done my fair share of mirth making at the expense of the Rockies, but the seemingly endless source of material that the team provides has gone stale like lost Saltines in the back of the pantry.

Yes, in a wild turn of events, it’s become uncool to make fun of the Rockies.

I saw someone the other day haranguing the Rockies Twitter account and how the team was “loosing” them as a fan and I wondered why a month before the 2016 season started was now this person’s breaking point. If you’re honest with yourself and with your Rockies fandom, you already know what to expect. So the outrage directed toward the team, after all of this time, is pretty laughable.

Like going to the post office and being upset that there is a long line, going into any Rockies season and getting upset that the team didn’t make any quality moves or won’t crawl out of the basement of the NL West is pretty insincere.

You knew it was going to be like this. So either move on or keep following along like the rest of us.

If you’re holding onto a shred of hope that the Rockies are going to be good any time soon, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. You should know this by now. So for anyone feigning dismay like a proper Southern lady getting the vapors, it’s a pretty dishonest reaction based on what you already know about the team.

Of course we’ll groan and complain when the Rockies swan dive into a fathomless pit of despair in June, but the typical platitudes angrily directed at the team – mostly through social media – are just a dumb and misdirected kind of rage. So attacking them is like yelling at your mail carrier for that long line at the post office you endured before.

Move on from the Rockies or keep following along like the rest of us.

Troy Tulowitzki moved on. Or at least we thought he did. Tulo tried his hand at criticizing the Rockies this past week and it didn’t go well. Still smarting from being rejected by the Hydrox cookie of baseball teams, Tulo compared the Toronto Blue Jays training facilities to those of the Salt River Fields facility in Arizona by saying that they were too much like a country club for his liking. Don’t be mistaken, he was making a direct stab at the losing culture of the team and the upper management that traded him away. But a funny thing happened while Tulo was looking for high fives: no one in this time zone was having any of that.

You have to be pretty unlikeable to take a shot at the Rockies and have everyone back up the Rockies. But it happened. And in another wild turn of events, and in a seemingly perfect sport for nearly everyone to pile on the Rockies, Tulowitzki looked like the bitter ex, shrieking alone in a parking lot. I’m having my staff check on this, but it may be the first time the Rockies have experienced such a victory.

I’m not saying the Rockies will be good and that you can’t make fun of them. Heavens no. But the usual complaints have gone stale. The Rockies deserve every bit of scorn that comes its way, but at this point, the expected wisecracks have all been made. Bring some fresh ammo to the shooting range or just leave it alone. We all know they suck and you can save your Monfort material for an open mic night.

I don’t know if we’ve turned a corner with the Rockies or we just don’t have the heart to do it anymore, but the jokes are as stagnant as a clogged Party Deck urinal on a hot summer night. The Rockies are terrible but they’re our Rockies and until they reach a completely new horrendous low that has never been seen before, save those comments for your cat. Feel free to grimace, face palm and shake your head in disgust when they pull the same bone headed moves, but your mundane quips need a shot in the arm more than the pitching staff does.

Move on from the Rockies or keep following along like the rest of us. And if you do follow along, workshop some new material before Opening Day. It’s going to be a long season.


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